Carving Out Space for Fear
I’m scared about the coming school year. Flat out. To say otherwise would be lying. Part of my quest on this vacation is to carve out some space for that fear to exist, not to take root, but to show its face. When I have done this before while meditating and asked for spiritual support, one of my favorite verses has come to mind:
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
When you pass through the rivers, they will not overcome you.
When you walk through the fire, you’ll not be burned. The flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God, your Savior. (Isaiah 43: 1-3)
This was one of my favorite verses as a child. I could feel that I was not alone in my worries and fears. Lately I have been contemplating the purpose of a relationship with God. I have realized that I can be a fairly controlling person — not in a maniacal way, but in an extremely analytical way. In a relationship, which involves TWO human beings, not just one, I can spend hours shaping expectations for how I think a particular situation should play out, instead of just letting it happen. This is done in order to protect myself — if I plan out everything beforehand, I won’t get hurt — right?
Since I’ve recently realized how this negatively impacts relationships, I’ve developed a new appreciation for why people engage in a relationship with God. To do so requires a complete surrender of control and a ton of faith. That’s a reason why I have avoided it for so long. Those that engage in a spiritual relationship ideally learn how to do that with a higher being and then are able to bring that skill to a human partnership. I imagine a relationship in which I am not spending energy trying to get the person I am with to conform to my expectations. It sounds a lot like Namaste - The light in me honors the light in you. Until I find myself in another relationship, I am working on honoring the light in myself — acknowledging the fear and anxiety, too — and asking for help from my spiritual support in doing so.
He unlocks the gate, then the door. Sinks into a chair draped with a bed sheet. He’s too tired to make tea. Looking up, he can see framed portraits of Jesus, the twin boys he raised, his wife.
Across from him, on a faded poster in the hall, is a list she wrote almost 30 years ago. She made it for the boys, but Mr. Newton still follows it religiously.
Things to do today:
1. Read Bible and talk to God.
2. Be considerate of everyone.
3. Show my family I love them.
4. Do my best in all my work.
In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back. Truly yours, Albert Camus (via skeletales)
Random Daze theme by Polaraul